Never fear, connecting can be learned. One or our basic needs is love and community. This year with Covid connecting has been difficult. I want to help you communicate, not just through a messy divorce, but through life. I want to help you meet one of your basic needs. Honestly our world could use this right now.
If you saw my past video it discussed why you need to connect when you are working through a mediation. You cannot persuade anyone unless they feel connected to you.
Before I give you the barriers I just want to share what I have learned through John Maxwell’s book, Everyone Communicates Few Connect. Whenever I begin a mediation I look for common ground. Things the couples both care about. You can help me with this by focusing on the other person. And remember everyone has a different temperament. We all see the world differently stepping into the other persons world is so helpful. Which leads us to our first barrier:
- Making Assumptions. This is always dangerous. I see it in my own life in my relationships with friends and family. Don’t jump to conclusions. Here is a great story from the book: A woman was sitting in an airport waiting for her flight. She was eating out of a bag of cookies. Suddenly the man sitting next to her started eating the cookies too. She was miffed. I mean really who does that? Then he had the nerve to take the last cookie break it in half and hand her half. He walked away to his flight. Well she was hot. She got on her flight and could not stop reflecting on what had happened with her cookies. She settled in her seat, her purse sprang open and to her dismay the bag of cookies was sitting in her purse uneaten.
This situation is not uncommon. I find I do it to the people I am closets too the most. Rather than assuming you can ask people you are close too. Remember generalizations get us into trouble. Making generalization’s overlooks who a person really is.
- Arrogance. Living on higher ground is lonely. Consider the other persons point of view and form a connection.
- Indifference. Again, it’s not all about you. I have spent so many years so focused on my comfort that I missed looking out for another. I love this quote by Nelson Mandela,
“If you talk to a man in the language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”
- Control. Finding common ground is a two-way street. An example of someone who has control issues is someone not wanting others to know what they know, feel or want. If you can be open and authentic you will be heading down the right path.